Denial: What if I’m….?

“Denial: What if I’m….?” by Mika Babineau (2018, 18×24 inch, Acrylic on stretched canvas)

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First of all, I’d like to say that I don’t feel like this anymore. This was years ago and I’m okay now, so please don’t worry.

There is a word that pretty much all aces associate with before they figure themselves out: broken. What a terrible word. “What is wrong with me??” “Why don’t I feel what others feel??” “Am I even human??” You hear stories about people finally finding out who they are in a moment of “Yes!! That’s me!!” But for me, it was more “….oh god no.” I remember crying and saying “What if I’m asexual…?” as if it was the worst possible thing, as if it was something to be ashamed of.

When I saw someone on my Facebook come out as ace many years ago, it didn’t even register in my mind asexuality could even be a possibility for me. I saw the post, glossed over it, and moved on with my life. And yet, that word “asexual” lingered in my mind. When I finally realized much later “uh hey Mika, you seem to not know what sexual attraction is. What’s all that about?” I had 10 billion different excuses. No no I’m not asexual haha I’m just uhhhh, you know, not ready? A late bloomer? It’ll happen eventually yea haha.

You have no idea how scared I was that my long term partner would leave me. I thought no one could love someone like me. I was so scared to be myself and accept myself. It took a lot of research and talking to my partner and watching videos and crying to get to where I am now. I was in denial for such a long time. To anyone out there who, right now, is in a time in their lives where they are questioning who they are, I want you to know: it’s okay to be you, and it’s okay to be different. You’re not broken, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Now get out there and live your best, truest life.